It is as scary as you think. Cancer takes over and consumes every aspect of your life. When I am grocery shopping, I think of the foods that will be best for a compromised immune system. When I am at the checkout, I watch the amount I spend because the budget is tight. At home when I am cooking dinner I hope he doesn’t think this will taste like rotten eggs. Every time I look at him I think about the cancer, because a week after treatment he looks sick and is weak, and for the week before treatment I am thinking he looks so different without the hair. I look at our kids and wonder if the toys they are playing with or the products I use to clean them and my house going to make my children have cancer too? I wonder every time he grunts or says ouch if it is from the chemo or did he hurt himself? When he says ouch and it is because he hurt himself at work it doesn’t hurt me too because that was an accident and possibly his own fault. When he says ouch because he doesn’t know why he is pain I hurt too. I think about it every time I do something for him because I want to do it to make him happy if only for a moment. When I make coffee in the morning and he takes the whole pot I do it because he will be happy for just a moment, I make his lunch because I know it will make him happy for just a moment. I would do those things normally because I love him, now when I do them it is because I want to ease as much stress and work off of him as possible. I think about the cancer every time I call the hospital to schedule or fix an appointment they have already made. I think about it when I am making plans, I wonder will he be able to participate in the activity or will he sit out? Will he make it the whole time or will he need to go home early? I think about it when I cuddle up to him at night and wonder am I hurting him? Can I move a little or will it hurt him?

It is like you are walking in the dark and the only tool you have is your shin to find the furniture. It seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel because you don’t know when this is going to end. I have learned so much in the dark. The most important lesson I have learned is controlling things are not a coping method. I have always controlled things from my feelings to what we are going to have for dinner, so that I am not surprised at any time. When you are like that people think you are strong, and forget to ask if you are ok. I have also learned the meaning of a dollar. I learned to just buy what is on sale and make meals with that. I was not rich as a child but we were ok and if I needed $20.00 my parents were able to give it to me. Now I don’t even have a dollar after I pay bills and buy groceries, sometimes I don’t buy groceries for 3 weeks and then when I have money to buy them it is only $50.00. I have learned that even though I don’t want to cook I have to because I know we don’t have the money to go out for dinner anywhere. I have learned to make money stretch, I turned an old pair of pants into a skirt instead of going and buying a new skirt like I would have before. The hardest lesson I learned is to ask for help. I have only ever asked my parents for help. I realized when our power was shut off that we were not going to be able to do this alone, I reached out and asked for help from the city and they helped. I have learned to let things go because if I don’t I am going to get stressed out. If I am stressed out I am going to snap and take it out on people who do not deserve it. I learned that I need to be happy with life no matter what it throws you and not look to my spouse to make me happy, I had a misconception that someone else was going to make me happy. The only person who can make you happy is you. I learned to find the things that make me happy and do them, like making and decorating cakes, playing with my children, and making my house a comfortable, clean place. I have learned the part of my vows that say for richer or for poorer, for in sickness and in health. I have learned all this and more.

We were told in the beginning Rob would have to do 12 treatments we are on the 7^th treatment and just got the news that he might only have to do 1 more instead of 5 more. He has a test booked for February 4, 2010, to see if there is any cancer left in his body.